Coping Skills, Change, and the Trap of All or Nothing Thinking
- Jan 25
- 3 min read
One of the most common reasons people come to therapy is to talk about coping skills. They want ways to manage stress, get through hard situations, or carry what they are dealing with in a way that feels lighter and more sustainable. Coping skills are not about eliminating discomfort entirely. They are about reducing pressure, creating relief, and helping you function through whatever season you are in.
And an important thing about coping skills is that they are often situational.
Sometimes you are going through a short-term difficult period like a medical issue, work crisis, or family transition. In those moments, you may need short-term coping strategies. Maybe you temporarily add more structure to your schedule. Maybe you lean more heavily on movement, meditation apps, journaling, or routine. Those changes are not necessarily meant to last forever. They are meant to help you get through this chapter.
Where people often get stuck is when the goal is to turn coping skills into major life changes, and we talk about them as if they should be easy to maintain. This is where all or nothing thinking tends to sneak in.
All or nothing thinking shows up when we expect ourselves to make a dramatic change all at once, or when we decide that if we cannot do something perfectly, there is no point in doing it at all.
A classic example is exercise. If someone decides they want to “work out more” and immediately jumps into intense routines that are far outside what their body is used to, motivation often crashes quickly. Not because they are lazy, but because the expectation was unrealistic. You do not go from the couch to running a marathon overnight. You ramp up. You walk then jog and build stamina over time.
But when all or nothing thinking is running the show, walking feels like failure because it is perceived to be far from the end goal. Instead of seeing progress, the brain says, “This is not enough, so why bother?”
That same pattern shows up far beyond exercise.
It shows up in productivity, when someone decides they need to completely overhaul their schedule and then feels defeated when they cannot maintain it every day.
It shows up in emotional regulation, when someone learns new coping tools but has a really hard day and falls back on old habits. Instead of noticing that they paused longer than they used to, or that they tried something different first, they tell themselves they failed.
It shows up in boundaries when someone starts saying no more often, but one time they overextend themselves and then decide they are “bad at boundaries” and stop trying altogether.
All or nothing thinking turns normal human inconsistency into evidence that change is pointless.
Another place this thinking causes people to give up is when a coping strategy works most of the time, but not all of the time. For example, emotional eating is often very effective in the short term. It works fast. That is why people keep going back to it. When someone is actively trying to manage stress in other ways and then has one day where they emotionally eat again, all or nothing thinking says, “I ruined it,” instead of, “I had a hard day and used a familiar coping strategy.”
The problem is not the slip. The problem is the meaning we attach to it.
Long-lasting change is not built through perfection. It is built through repetition, flexibility, and self-correction. It is built by noticing patterns over time, not by judging individual moments in isolation.
When we talk about changes we want to sustain long-term, the goal is not intensity. The goal is consistency. That usually means starting with smaller changes that feel almost too easy. Changes that do not disrupt your entire life. Changes that can survive bad days, low motivation, and stress spikes.
All or nothing thinking tells us that change only counts if it is dramatic. Therapy often helps people learn that change counts when it is realistic.
If you find yourself feeling demotivated, stuck, or frustrated with yourself, it may not be because you lack discipline or commitment. It may be because your expectations are shaped by all or nothing thinking.
And that is something you can work with.
Small steps still move you forward. Even when they do not look impressive. Even when they do not feel perfect. Especially when life is hard.
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