Self-Sabotage and Change: Why "Getting Better" Can Feel So Hard
- Feb 1
- 3 min read
When people try to make changes in their lives, one of the most common fears that comes up is the feeling that they are getting in their own way. Words like resistant to change and self-sabotage come up frequently in therapy.
A question I hear often is: “Why do I keep self-sabotaging?”
Sometimes a more helpful question is: “Why am I afraid of ‘getting better’?”
We don’t repeat behaviors for no reason. Humans are animals, and like all animals, we repeat behaviors because we get something out of them. Even when a behavior creates stress, anxiety, or long-term problems, it still provides something in the short term.
For example, consider procrastination. When someone procrastinates on a task, it can look like self-sabotage. But what are they actually getting from it? They are avoiding the task. And that works, at least temporarily. Even if the long-term result is more stress and less rest, the short-term reward is relief. The brain learns, This helps me escape discomfort for now. That’s enough to reinforce the behavior.
From that perspective, many patterns we label as self-sabotage are actually attempts to cope.
Self-Sabotage and Procrastination: Why We Repeat What Hurts Us
Self-sabotage often shows up through behaviors like procrastination, avoidance, or staying stuck in familiar routines. These behaviors usually aren’t about wanting to fail. They are about trying to feel safe.
The brain craves predictability. Even though the brain has the ability to change and adapt, it also wants to maintain homeostasis. That means it prefers what is familiar, even if what is familiar isn’t what we may consider to be healthy. Unhealthy habits are still predictable habits. Predictable feels safer than unknown.
This is why people may continue behaviors that interfere with their goals. Not because they want to struggle, but because they know what to expect from the struggle they already have.
How the Brain Responds to Change and Stress
There is a part of the brain called the amygdala that protects us. It developed to help humans survive real physical threats. The challenge is that it reacts to modern stress the same way it would react to danger. Scrolling news on your phone isn't the same kind of danger as running from a bear, but our brains can react to both in similar ways.
A difficult conversation, a new boundary, or a major life change may not be life-threatening, but the brain often treats it as if it is. When anxiety rises, the brain looks for the safest and most familiar option.
This is why change can feel so uncomfortable. It is unpredictable, carries an unknown outcome, and involves emotional risk. From this perspective, what we call self-sabotage often looks more like self-protection.
What Getting Better Might Cost You
Another reason self-sabotage and procrastination show up during change is that improvement creates consequences. When someone’s symptoms improve or their behavior shifts, their environment shifts too. Most of the time, this is positive. But sometimes it creates tension.
For example, someone who decides to set stronger boundaries with family around time or money may be doing something healthy for themselves. But that change can also upset people who benefited from the old pattern.
“Getting better” (or changing) can mean more conflict, different responsibilities, emotional risk, and uncertainty. So the fear is not just about changing habits. It is about what change will affect in relationships, routines, and expectations.
At that point, the question becomes less “Why am I self-sabotaging?” and more “What might I lose if I stop?”
A Kinder Way to Understand Self-Sabotage
Instead of asking, “Why do I keep self-sabotaging?” try asking: What am I afraid will happen if things improve? What will become less predictable? Do I feel ready for the changes that might come with feeling better?
These questions shift the focus from judgment to curiosity. They recognize that the brain is trying to keep you safe, even if it is using outdated strategies.
This is one place where therapy can be helpful. It allows space to explore: What current behaviors protect you from, what change would mean for your relationships and routines, and whether you feel equipped to handle what comes next
Change is not a light switch. It is a process. The more compassion you bring into that process, the less exhausting it becomes. You are not trying to sabotage yourself. You are trying to survive the way you learned.
Growth often begins not with forcing yourself to change, but with understanding why staying the same once made sense.
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