Making Friends as an Adult: Why It’s Hard and How to Build Real Connections
- Jessica Schladt
- Nov 24
- 4 min read
Making friends as an adult is definitely a challenge. It’s something many people don’t realize when they’re kids or even young adults, but once you hit your mid-20s, 30s, or 40s and notice your social circle getting smaller, it’s easy to panic and think, “Is something wrong with me?”
Meanwhile, TV shows and movies love to portray groups of five or six adults who do absolutely everything together. And while that might be true for some people, I’ve found that those big friend groups are actually the exception, not the rule.
There are real, understandable reasons why adult friendships are hard, and none of them mean you’re doing anything wrong.
Why Friendships Form Easily in Childhood (and Why They Don’t in Adulthood)
One of the biggest reasons friendships feel simpler earlier in life is forced proximity. In school, you’re around the same people every single day. Even if you have nothing major in common, you're exposed to each other for hours. You talk about school, teachers, and homework, which are easy shared topics. At this stage in life, friendships can form almost by accident.
The same thing happens in college or in your first few jobs. Working in the same office creates routine, familiarity, and built-in conversation. Even a not-so-deep relationship can turn into a friendship simply because you spend so much time together.
I once saw a chart mapping how long it takes to go from acquaintance → casual friend → friend → close friend → best friend. The number of hours required skyrockets at each stage. And when you think about your adult life?
Most adults don’t have dozens of extra hours lying around. Kids do. College students may. Adults… do not.
So when you’re trying to make friends as an adult, you’re doing it without the shortcut of forced proximity. And that means friendship-building requires something challenging to come by: Intentional time.
Time, Energy, and the Mental Load: The Hidden Barriers to Adult Friendships
When you have work responsibilities, family commitments, a partner, a household to manage, pets, hobbies, caregiving, or just the basic desire to rest… the idea of adding “nurturing new relationships” can feel overwhelming.
In my last blog post, I talked about sleep and how many adults barely have enough time to rest, let alone try out a new friendship like it’s a new hobby. If you’re struggling to get enough sleep, the idea of building a friendship can feel like one more thing you're already too tired for.
None of this means friendship is impossible. It just means adult friendships take effort, intention, and patience, not because you’re failing, but because you’re human.
The “Golden Goose” of Adult Friendship Compatibility
I recently saw a Venn diagram created for parents, but honestly, it applies to all adults trying to build friendships. The tiniest center overlap contained geographically close people, had similar availability, AND had shared interests. If you find someone who hits all three? That’s a golden goose friend. Hold onto them.
Because here’s the truth: long-distance friendships are equally real and meaningful, but they offer a different kind of connection than the casual ease of in-person hangouts. And people vary. Some people feel deeply fulfilled by online friendships, such as Discord communities, or by long-distance relationships. Others appreciate those connections but still crave local friends they can see face-to-face. Neither preference is wrong. It’s simply personal preference.
Why Making Friends as an Adult Takes More Work
Outside of childhood or work environments, friendships require intention. You might meet someone in a “meet-cute” moment, but realistically? That’s not where most friendships begin. More often, friendships start in places where you’re around people with similar interests or values:
Hiking groups or outdoor clubs
Library book clubs or author events
Local volunteer organizations
Faith communities where you feel connected
Gym classes, yoga studios, or adult sports leagues
Writing groups, crafting meetups, or board game nights
Parent groups, PTA meetings, or school pickup lines
Dog parks or pet meetups
Community classes like pottery, painting, cooking, or dance
The key: you’re much more likely to meet potential friends when you’re already doing something you genuinely enjoy.
Practical Ways to Make Friends as an Adult (That Don’t Feel Forced)
Here are some realistic, non-cringey ideas to help you build friendships in adulthood:
Show up more than once. Connection builds through repeated exposure. It’s okay if it feels awkward at first.
Start small. A simple “Hey, it was nice talking to you last time. Want to grab a coffee after this class?” goes a long way.
Follow the spark. If someone feels easy to talk to, pay attention to that. Follow where the energy is.
Be brave enough to initiate. Most adults are lonely. You’re not bothering them. You’re giving them an opening they probably want.
Let friendships be a slow burn. You don’t have to share your entire life story right away. Closeness grows gradually.
Don’t overthink the outcome. Not every person you meet needs to become a best friend. Some may become casual friends, activity buddies, or situational connections, and all are valid.
The Most Important Part: Friendship Doesn't Have to Be Fast or Perfect
Friendships take time. They require consistency. They grow slowly, almost invisibly at first. And they don’t need to follow a script.
You’re allowed to take things at your own pace.
You’re allowed to value connection without rushing intimacy.
You’re allowed to enjoy moments with new people without jumping ahead to “where could this go?”
Adult friendships are a process, not a performance.
And you’re not behind.
You’re not doing it wrong.
You’re human.
