When (and When Not) to Be Assertive With Family: Holiday Edition
- Jessica Schladt
- Dec 7
- 4 min read
The holidays have a way of pulling family relationships right to the surface. Even if someone comes to therapy without any intention of talking about communication or relationships, those topics still come up; we are all in relationships with people in some form. Friends, partners, coworkers, and of course… family.
During the holiday season, those family dynamics often get louder. Expectations, whether cultural, generational, or unique to your own family, tend to pile up quickly. Some families gather in small, intimate groups. Others gather in huge clusters where emotional landmines are connected to old dynamics, childhood roles, past conflicts, and unspoken rules.
And this brings up a very human question: “Do I say something this year… or do I just get through dinner?”
Let’s talk honestly about when being assertive with family is helpful and when it may be unhelpful or even unsafe.
The Holiday Assertiveness Struggle Is Real
A common theme I see in therapy is how differently people behave with family than with others. You might tolerate behaviors from relatives that you would never tolerate at work or with friends. You may drop boundaries you usually keep. You may find yourself stuck between two uncomfortable options.
“If I say something, I’m being difficult.”
“If I don’t say something, I’m not being true to myself.”
Neither makes you a bad person. There is no universal rule about which path you “should” take. If anything, this post is meant to permit you, even though you do not actually need permission, to decide what works best for you this year.
Start With Safety: Emotional, Physical & Psychological
Before we even get into assertiveness, here is the most essential guidance: Your safety matters more than any communication skill.
Not every family dynamic is safe or stable enough for direct communication. If speaking up would put you in an unsafe environment, emotionally or physically, then pulling back is not avoidance; it is self-protection.
So… What Is Assertiveness, Really?
Assertiveness is often misinterpreted, especially in families where direct communication was not modeled.
Being assertive does not mean being rude, aggressive, calling someone out, or forcing people to agree with you.
Being assertive does mean being direct, open, respectful, and vulnerable enough to state your needs clearly.
In healthy relationships, assertiveness builds trust, clarity, and connection. This only happens when both people want healthier communication. You cannot assert your way into a healthy dynamic if the other person interprets even a gentle boundary as a threat.
This is why I do not tell clients to “be assertive with everyone.” Not everyone can handle it. Not everyone is open to it. Not everyone has earned that level of emotional access.
When Being Assertive Is Appropriate
You might choose to speak up when:
1. Your boundaries are being crossed. Comments about your body, parenting, relationship, job, or life choices can be moments where assertiveness protects your well-being.
2. You’re trying to build or repair a healthier dynamic. If both people want a more respectful and open relationship, assertiveness can help you get there.
3. The issue actually matters. If it impacts your mental health, safety, time, or emotional bandwidth, it could be worth addressing
When Being Assertive May Be Unhelpful
There are also times when staying quiet, temporarily or intentionally, is a form of strength.
1. The issue is minor and your energy is low. Picking your battles does not mean avoiding everything. It means conserving emotional bandwidth.
2. The other person is dysregulated. Trying to be assertive with someone reactive, intoxicated, or escalated is likely to backfire.
3. You’re not sure what you want yet. If you are unsure what you are feeling or what outcome you want, it is okay to pause.
4. The dynamic is unsafe. If history tells you that speaking up leads to hostility or harm, assertiveness may not be the right tool this year.
Responding vs. Reacting: A Quick Holiday Check-In
One of the most significant differences between a productive conversation and a stressful confrontation is your ability to regulate yourself. People often roll their eyes at “just take a deep breath.” The truth is that a slow, intentional breath can shift your nervous system enough to move you from reacting to responding.
A few questions to ask yourself before speaking up:
Is this worth my emotional energy today?
What outcome am I hoping for?
Is this person capable of receiving what I am trying to say?
Am I being authentic, or am I being pushed by the moment?
Even 30 seconds of pausing can give you clarity.
There’s No Single “Right Way” to Handle Family During the Holidays
Whether you choose to speak up or stay quiet, the most important thing is that you make a conscious choice, not one driven by guilt, old roles, or emotional pressure.
This may be the year you set a new boundary. This may be the year you get through the gathering and return home to your own peaceful space.
Both can be valid. Both can be healthy. Both can be self-respecting.
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