Why the Holidays Feel More Stressful as an Adult and How to Listen to Your Needs

For some people, the holiday season is a joyful, sparkly, heart-warming time of year. If that’s you, I’m genuinely happy for you. I hope your weeks are filled with ease, connection, and moments that feel good. No notes. 

Many people don’t experience the holidays that way. If you fall into that camp, you’re far from alone.

For a lot of adults, the holiday season brings expectations, forced joy, financial stress, travel headaches, or a calendar so packed that downtime feels impossible. I’ve had clients share that the weeks from Thanksgiving through New Year’s are the busiest time of the year… and instead of joy, they just feel like they have to “get through it.”

And that’s the part we don’t talk about enough: A season that’s marketed as joyful, cozy, and magical can also feel overwhelming, exhausting, and pressure-filled.

“The holidays don’t feel like they used to.”

This is something I hear over and over again in therapy. And honestly? It makes sense.

When you think about the holidays as a child, you likely remember the fun, the excitement, and the traditions, but all of that was created for you by someone else. Parents, caregivers, teachers, community events, family members… someone else did the work. You just got to experience the outcome. As an adult, the roles flip.

Now you are the one:

• planning the gatherings

• buying the gifts

• organizing travel

• making the food

• putting up (and taking down) the decorations

• traveling to family

• coordinating schedules

• if you’re a parent or caregiver, it's trying to create magic for someone else

  
  

Of course it feels different.  Of course the “holiday feeling” doesn’t land the same way. You're not doing anything wrong. The context has changed. This doesn’t mean the holidays are worse. It means they’re different. Expecting adult holidays to feel like childhood holidays can set us up for disappointment.

So what do you actually want your holiday season to feel like?

This is the question many people never pause to ask. There is a pressure to attend every event, say yes to every party, participate in every gift exchange, and keep up with traditions even when they no longer fit our lives. Somewhere in all that expectation and obligation, we lose sight of ourselves.

Listening to yourself, really listening, is one of the most powerful tools for managing holiday stress.

Ask yourself:

• Do I want a busy, festive holiday?

• Do I want a slower, quieter season this year?

• Which traditions still bring joy? Which feel like pressure?

• What do I have the energy for? What could I let go of?

  
  

I’m not saying you need to slow down. Maybe you want to go to every light show, cookie swap, and concert. Maybe that lights you up. But perhaps you’re craving something low-key.  Something simple. Something that allows you to exhale.

Both are valid. What matters is choosing based on what you truly want, not what’s culturally pushed, not what you “used to” do, and not what you feel guilty opting out of.

Rebranding the holidays as an adult

Think of it as giving yourself permission to redesign the season in a way that actually works for your current life, energy level, and emotional needs. Your needs matter, too; not just the needs of everyone you’re trying to make magic for.

The holidays don’t have to be something you grit your teeth and “get through.” They can be something you intentionally, thoughtfully, and realistically create. Something that reflects who you are now, not who you were at eight years old.

And maybe, in that process, you find a little more peace, a bit of joy, and a version of the holiday season that feels like it truly belongs to you.

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