Boundary Story Time: What Setting Healthy Boundaries Actually Looks Like in Real Life

Boundaries come up in therapy all the time. Whether we're talking about relationships with family members, friends, romantic partners, or coworkers, we'll probably talk about boundaries at some point.

It's easy enough to say, "You need to set a boundary." But what does that actually look like?

This post walks through three examples of healthy boundaries in everyday relationships.

The first is an experience from a client who gave me permission to share her story. The other two are hypothetical examples many people may recognize.

One thing to keep in mind as you read: boundaries are about what we choose to do, not about controlling what someone else does.

That distinction will matter in all three stories.

Story 1: Please Stop Commenting on My Body

I worked with a client who had an overall positive relationship with her mother. They cared about each other, and she generally felt that her mother meant well.

However, her mother was very focused on bodies and weight.

She didn't directly criticize her daughter's appearance, BUT she frequently commented on other people's bodies, particularly when someone had gained or lost weight. When she thought her daughter had lost weight, she told her how good she looked.

Her mother intended these comments as compliments.

Over time, though, my client became increasingly aware of them. She especially noticed when the comments weren't happening. If her mother didn't say anything about her appearance, she'd worry whether she'd gained weight or whether her body looked different.

Other experiences also shaped how she thought about her body, and she was actively working to separate her self-esteem and sense of worth from her appearance, recognizing that these comments weren't helping. She didn't want her mother commenting on her body anymore. Not negatively, not positively. Just not at all.

So she told her.

Essentially, her message was:

"I don't want you to comment on my body anymore. I know you don't mean anything bad by it, but I don't want comments about my body, even positive ones. If you do comment, I'm going to leave or hang up the phone, and we can try talking another day."

Her mother agreed, but eventually commented on her body again. My client reminded her of their conversation and let the first time slide. When it happened again, she followed through and left.

Leaving was NOT comfortable and led to several weeks of strain in the relationship. The client reminded her Mom several more times with a version of: 

"I know you mean well, and I'm not trying to control what you say. I'm just telling you how it impacts me and what I will do if it comes up."

My client didn't turn every comment into a lengthy argument. When needed, she repeated the same message and followed through on what she'd already communicated.

Eventually, her mother stopped commenting on her body. Once that became consistent, they didn't need to talk about the boundary anymore. The boundary was still there. It just became part of how their relationship worked.

Story 2: I Care About You, But I Can't Always Be Available

Let's look at another example, this time involving two friends.

Imagine a friend going through a difficult time. You care about them, want to support them, and are generally happy to listen when they need to talk.

But lately, they've been calling almost every evening, and the conversations frequently last an hour or more. You're finding yourself putting off other responsibilities, losing time to decompress, or feeling obligated to answer even when you really don't have the energy.

You don't want to stop being their friend. You don't even want to stop being someone they can lean on.

You just recognize that the current pattern isn't sustainable for you.

So the next time they call, you might say: "Hey, I've got about 20 minutes to talk tonight."

Maybe your friend understands immediately. Maybe they're disappointed. Maybe they say, "But I really need to talk right now."

You can acknowledge that they're having a hard time without automatically changing your answer.

And when those 20 minutes are up, you wrap up the conversation.

Notice what isn't happening here. You're not telling your friend that they aren't allowed to call. You're not telling them that they need to stop talking about their problems or that they're being too emotional.

You acknowledge your own limitations and communicate what you're available for. You might still choose to have a longer conversation another day. You might offer support differently. Or sometimes you might simply not have the capacity.

Having a boundary doesn't mean you don't care. It means caring about someone doesn't automatically make you available for everything they need, whenever they need it.

And, importantly, that other person is allowed to have feelings about your boundary. Their disappointment doesn't automatically mean you've done something wrong, just as your boundary doesn't automatically mean they're asking for something unreasonable.

Sometimes two people have different needs or expectations, and they have to figure out how to navigate that.

Story 3: The Boundary You Never Actually Announce

Imagine you have a friend who regularly cancels plans at the last minute.

You enjoy spending time with them, but you've noticed a pattern. You keep an entire Saturday afternoon open because you and your friend talked about getting together, only for them to cancel shortly before you're supposed to meet.

Maybe they have perfectly legitimate reasons. Maybe they're just not particularly good at planning. Either way, you frequently end up frustrated because you've arranged your day around something that doesn't happen.

You could talk about it. In some friendships, that might be worth doing. But you could also change how you plan.

Instead of keeping an entire afternoon open, start making your own plans and invite your friend to join when it works.

You stop purchasing tickets in advance unless they've confirmed and paid for their own. You don't rearrange other commitments to accommodate tentative plans.

You're still friendly. You're still open to spending time together. You're just no longer organizing your schedule around the expectation that this person will follow through.

You never necessarily say, "I'm setting a boundary with you because you keep canceling." You simply change what you're willing to do. And here's an important difference between this example and the first story: your friend might never change their behavior.

They may continue canceling plans. But your boundary can still be effective because you've changed your behavior to better protect your time and reduce your frustration.

No rule says every personal decision needs to become a formal boundary-setting conversation. Sometimes you can simply decide to do things differently.

Suggestion: Think About What You Can Actually Control

If you're struggling with a boundary in one of your own relationships, consider asking yourself:

• What in this relationship or interaction do I want to change?

• Am I trying to get the other person to behave differently, or am I deciding what I'm willing to participate in?

• Do I need to communicate this, or can I change it through my own actions?

• If the other person's behavior doesn't change, what options do I realistically have?

• Am I prepared for the possibility that the other person might be upset, even if I'm respectful?

You don't need perfect answers to all of these questions. It takes trial and error to figure out which boundaries are realistic, effective, and aligned with what you want from your relationships.

Sometimes the hardest part isn't figuring out what the boundary should be. It's getting comfortable with the idea that someone else might not like it.

Working on Boundaries in Therapy

If setting boundaries feels complicated, therapy can help you explore why. Maybe you know exactly what you want to say but struggle to follow through. Or maybe you're trying to figure out the difference between being flexible in a relationship and consistently putting your own needs aside.

At Just Try Counseling with Jessica Schladt, LPC, I help clients navigate these relationship patterns, improve communication, and set boundaries that fit their circumstances. Sometimes you need space to figure out what you want, what's realistic, and how to handle the discomfort that can come with doing something differently.

If that sounds like something you'd like to work on, you're welcome to reach out for a consultation.

Frequently Asked Questions About Setting Healthy Boundaries

What is a real-life example of setting a healthy boundary?

A healthy boundary might look like telling a family member you don't want comments about your appearance, limiting how long you're available for phone calls, or choosing not to rearrange your schedule for someone who frequently cancels plans. The key is to identify what you're comfortable with and decide how you'll act.

Do you have to tell someone when you're setting a boundary?

Not always. Some boundaries benefit from direct communication, especially when you're asking someone to change how they interact with you. Others can be established through your own choices, such as limiting your availability or changing how much time you commit to certain activities. Whether to communicate a boundary depends on the relationship and situation.

How do you set boundaries without being controlling?

Focus on what you're willing to do rather than trying to dictate another person's choices. For example, saying "If this conversation turns into yelling, I'm going to end the call" describes your own response. That's different from assuming you can force someone else to communicate in a particular way. You can request respectful behavior, but you can't guarantee it.

What if someone gets upset when you set a boundary?

Someone being upset doesn't automatically mean the boundary was inappropriate. Changes in established relationship patterns can be uncomfortable. At the same time, consider their perspective and whether you communicated your boundary respectfully and reasonably. You can acknowledge their feelings without necessarily abandoning your decision.

What happens if someone keeps crossing your boundaries?

If you've communicated a boundary and the behavior continues, consider what actions you can take. Depending on the situation, that might involve ending a conversation, limiting certain interactions, or reconsidering how you participate in the relationship. Repeatedly explaining the same boundary isn't always enough, particularly if nothing changes in how you respond.

Can you set boundaries with someone you love?

Absolutely. Boundaries aren't inherently about distancing yourself from people. They can help establish clearer expectations within relationships you want to maintain. Setting a boundary doesn't mean someone intentionally hurt you or that you no longer want them in your life. Sometimes it's part of figuring out how to maintain a relationship in a healthier way.